These Scars Are But Reminders Of My Past
by Jasper's Past
Summary: Jasper’s thoughts as the fight with Victoria approaches, as he battles and then stands guard over the newborn, and the aftermath. What he was, and the horrors that truly never leave.


**These Scars Are But Reminders Of My Past.**

**Summary. . . . . . . . . Jasper's thoughts as the fight with Victoria approaches, and again as he battles and then stands guard over the newborn. What he was, and the horrors that truly never leave.**

**Disclaimer. . . . . . . . Wish they were mine, but I am just a child in Stephenie Meyer's playground.**

**A.N. . . . . . . . . . . . A short look into the mind of the hugely underused and enigmatic Jasper Hale. There's so much potential for brilliant stories to be made, what with the back ground SM created for him, but in the hundreds of thousands of Twilight fics out there, there are so few based around him.. So I thought I would give it a try. My first ever Twilight fic, please be kind as I've only just read the books, and only once, that being said I thank you for stopping by and I hope that you enjoy.**

They don't know how hard this is for me, they don't know how much it takes to for me to keep my feelings under control, the dark thoughts of my past restrained. They think they do, all of them, but over the years I've managed to calm my thoughts before they are allowed to be picked up by the others. I failed at hiding some of them though, fought and battled to contain my lust, my greed when Bella first came into our lives; yes there was that one mishap, but other than that I coped, avoided the house whenever I knew she would be there, or held my breath whenever that couldn't be avoided and she was around me, in time though I grew to be okay in her company. But then They threatened her, and all those memories, the ones I'd hidden so far within me, the deep dark feelings of my past returned, oh I no longer wanted to taste human blood as bad, although that craving was still there, still part of who I was, of who I will always be, it was the other thoughts that slowly returned, the thoughts of ripping, and shredding, and tearing newborns apart, so I allowed Edward to see my thoughts, allowed him to see that what I was thinking would work.

I trained them though, tried to make them think that I wanted them to be a part of this, but I reality I wanted to do it all on my own, I wanted to feel how I had all those years ago, alive, needed, not the weakest link in a family of stronger beings; but I knew they would never allow me to do this alone, so I taught them what I knew, well almost all I knew. On the day though, my feelings for my family returned, I couldn't help it, I couldn't allow any of them to get hurt, especially my precious Alice, so I danced and twirled and raced around, my teeth bared, my fingers extended into claws, my eyes burning black, yet tainted with fiery flickers of red embers. Everything I had wanted to do, every horror that attacked my every waking moment returned, I ripped, and shredded, and tore, every movement a precise one, yet still a frenzied outbreak of vicious deadly intent. Before I knew it, it was all over, we'd won but the victory was not without it's casualties, Jacob's pain slamming into me with, bringing my thoughts back from the brink. I threw down the arm I had ripped off a newborn, looking up as I did so into the eyes of my family and seeing not the pride I had hoped to see, but instead elements of fear and disgust for the beast I had let loose.

I looked away towards the destruction and mayhem, needing, wanting to get away from the stares that spoke of beasts and monsters. It was then I felt it. It was then I saw her. The pain was immense, burning through my veins, pulsing like the heartbeat I had long ago lost. I didn't need to look down to my arm to know it was there, another scar to prompt me of the monster that resided within me, mottling my alabaster skin, spoiling the surface like the craters spoiled the moon's. Another brand. Another failure. Another reminder. Another flaw. I wanted to roar, to run away and bury myself within these feelings of hate and death, run away before I lost it completely and turned on the ones I loved, hurting them and sending myself on a lonely road of existence. It was her face that stopped me, a newborn that had surrendered, a girl so young and at one time so innocent, turned into this beast. I crouched above her in turn wanting to kill her, then save her. I couldn't allow her to become what I was, but could I trust her to make the right choices if I couldn't? So caught up in my own battles, I never felt the hand of my Father

In the end the decision was taken out of my hands. I felt Alice and Edwards fears before I smelt and heard the Volturi coming, my body automatically moving back to my family. The move away from the kills and the flames and the smells of death helped, my thoughts clearing, the darkness that had taken a hold of me easing, but I should have known it wouldn't last, should have known my peace would be short lived, and as the girl's cries and screams rent the air around us, and her fears and agony assaulted me, my small resolve crumbled once again and I fled. I had to get away. I had to be alone, to regain all that I had fought so hard for and lost so easily. I heard Alice's calls but ignored them, even uncertain I could trust myself around her, and the love she had so unconditionally given me. I ran as fast as I could, wanting get rid of the smell of death and my own failures, but no matter how hard I ran, no matter how far, they still surrounded me, cloying and thick and unbreakable, so in the end I stopped running and fell to the floor, allowing the shame and guilt and sadness to consume me, and take me back to that place I had lived in so long ago.

It was three days before I moved again, three days before I felt even the faint stirrings of the man I had become returning, three days before I could return to the house, three days before I saw her again, three days before she spoke those words she had spoken once before. "You kept me waiting a long time."

**The End.**

**A.N. . . . . . . . .Thanks for reading, please be kind and let me know what you think.**


End file.
